Thursday, June 18, 2009

40 Days in the Desert...

While I had every intention of becoming a true "blogger," I've realized that I'm the worst with remembering to write updates. Much has happened over the past six months and I've come to think of the time as my "Forty Days in the Desert." Like the Israelites who traveled in search of their beloved Promised Land, I too have found myself trying to discern God's direction during this past year.

With Robert's deployment now finished, many people have begun asking me what I've learned through the time apart and while I've tried to perfect a cookie-cutter response; recounting experience after experience and emotion after emotion, I've realized that it can all be summed up four words: "God's grace is sufficient." While I once prided myself in being self-sufficient, I've come to realize that I am FULL of weaknesses. Yet I've taken such comfort in knowing that God's grace is sufficient for me, for His power is made perfect in my weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me (taken from 2 Corinthians 12:9).

I've realized that many of the events I've gone through in just one year, many people will never even experience over their lifetime. I wanted to share with you all a portion of an email I had once written to a fellow military wife. I don't mean to offend anyone, but rather to move you to pray for our soldiers, their families and our country.

"First of all thank you so much for your continued prayer support. Prayer has sustained us so much this past year. I've often given much thought to how I as an Army wife would share my experiences on deployment with another. It's been a crazy journey...many of my experiences will differ greatly from yours, but I'd imagine there will be a lot that you will go through that many other wives have dealt with as well.
I can remember sitting in a church pew last Memorial Day alongside my husband, knowing that it would only be a matter of weeks before he would mobilize and head off to war. At the time I knew very little about military operations, abbreviations, rank, etc. All I could understand was that my husband would soon no longer physically be there which was enough to drive me to tears.
Early in the deployment, I can remember being so upset and frustrated over the issue of "confidentiality." I realized that many of the questions I'd ask Robert he could not and would not answer because he had a responsibility to protect his soldiers. As a Christian I'd want to know things about how God was working and lives being saved and just a little about some of the soldiers my husband was developing friendships with so I could pray for them. Much of this info he wouldn't talk about to me and I soon grew bothered by the fact that it seemed like my very own husband didn't trust me enough. It would soon become something I would understand, but it took a lot of time to realize that I needed to not ask him "what he was doing" but rather "how he was doing." A great piece of advice a soldier had once told me.

Looking back at the deployment, it seemed as though I went through many phases which resulted in many mixed emotions. About 4 months into the deployment I hit what I often think of as a "routine phase" where I found my niche. It was at this point that I realized if I were to stay connected to him, I needed to come up along side him and serve by whatever means possible. I realized there was much I could do from home so I decided to kick off an adopt-a-soldier ministry and create a daily prayer calendar. The more I was able to see people around me actively taking an interest in his unit the more I felt comforted.
One of the hardest things through out the deployment was sometimes the "lack of support" I would receive. It seemed early in the deployment many people would call or send a card which let me know that they were simply thinking of me or the situation. But living off a base I came to realize there would be many that didn't understand how hard it was to be separated for such a long time. I'd hear prayer requests of women who's husband's were away on business for a week and how much they missed them and think to myself "how lucky are you to even get to see him." To try and make people understand my situation was a feat in itself. There would be some people who would ask me if I missed my husband or how I could even go through this because it just seemed so hard to do. I sometimes found myself having to defend myself, the military and my marriage. And at times, I seemed to have a love-hate relationship with the military.
I love my freedom as an American and the military for defending Justice. I love the fact that I have married a soldier who values our country enough to serve and defend. But, I often find myslf viewing it negatively for at times being the cause of disagreements within my marriage and the cause of so many broken marriages that exist. My heart once broke for a little girl I observed while at a stocking-stuffing party. This little girl's mom was deployed with Rob's unit and I realized how hard it must have been for them both to be separated for such a long time.
For Robert and I, life seems to have put on hold. Thoughts of serving as missionaries, having children, buying a home or even taking that summer vacation all flood my mind and I realize they will all just have to wait. Waiting...learning hard lessons in patience, but growing in faith along the way.
So what have I learned? I've learned that God grows us where He plants us." He has a plan for our lives that far outweighs any plans of our own. His thoughts and ways are higher than ours (Isaiah 55:8-9) and for that I can rest and be content.


For those of you who have stuck by our sides through this crazy journey, THANK YOU...your love, devotion, wisdom and friendship have taught us so much!

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